My Heroine's Journey

Photo by Toben Dilworth

My journey to leadership as an Asian female has had a long and meandering path to this present time when I am 44.

I grew up with a tiger mom who I believe is an undiagnosed manic-depressive. She loved me deeply. She gave up her career to follow my father’s job with Thai Airways, taking on the role of home holder to move our family every 3–4 years to a different country. She gave up her own aspirations and fiercely passed them on to my sister and I in the form of sky-high expectations.

I was a good girl. Culturally Thai-Chinese and raised to respect my elders and the Buddhist community we practiced in. I am Thai. Yet I went to international schools where critical thinking and western concepts of self were drilled into me. Even though my first languages were a mixture of Thai and Teochew (a dialect of southern Chinese spoken in Thailand), I’m now most comfortable in English. I sound like a native Californian to those of you who have met me.

I lived in fear of my mother’s moods and compensated by being a good girl. Quiet, obedient, and withdrawn. I excelled in school.

As I grew up and moved halfway around the world to attend college at Stanford, I learned what it was like to be a female in a technical field. I found my way into design via a mixture of computer science, psychology and philosophy, learning that I enjoyed being a translator between humans and computers. I started embracing adventure and letting my inner rebel start to emerge. 

And through the next decades, as I worked in tech corporations, design firms, and startups, I put on my armor and climbed the corporate ladder. I learned how to succeed as a woman. I learned to take on traditional characteristics of male leadership — confidence, assertiveness, directness, decisiveness — and this built upon my inner drive of high expectations and achievement.

It seemed like everything was perfect. My career was soaring. I was married to my college sweetheart and we had two playful little girls. We had a house in San Francisco with room for my parents to come visit for extended periods and a strong network of friends.

But something was off. I wasn’t truly content. I kept searching for something and driving myself more, faster, harder to achieve it.

On this questing journey, my leadership shifted. When I left the design firm environment, I learned to shed some pieces of the armor and open up to vulnerability and some understanding and acceptance of my strengths. Yes, I was passionate and had strong opinions… and, that assertiveness, especially in a woman, could be off-putting for many people. I found teachers, mentors, and coaches to support me along the way. I experimented with different styles in different contexts to grow my empathetic and compassionate leadership. I practiced these new muscles on the teams I supported, with my cross-functional partners, and also in presenting upwards to leadership at my companies.

Yet it never felt completely like me. I kept striving to find my professional leadership, adjusting to the feedback that I received and looking for my right path.

Something was still off.

And then it hit like a massive tidal wave.

I went through a twelve month period of extreme stress and transition where three major events happened — my father-in-law who I had known since I was 18 passed, my husband and I decided to get divorced after trying couples counseling for six months, and my father passed.

That was about two years ago.

In the time since, I learned to create a new version of family. I left my corporate job to build a new career as a leadership coach. I’ve now almost completely shed the professional armor. I’m still learning and growing on the path of my feminine leadership, yet I know that this job feels like the most authentic one that I’ve held.

I am still on my heroine’s journey. It’s a meandering path that can double-back on itself. I’ve encountered many guides and fellow adventurers along the way. For once, I’m loving the process, and not single-mindedly focused on the destination. 

If you’d like to explore your own Heroine’s Journey and uncover your leadership, I’m leading a retreat in Mendocino, CA over Labor Day weekend 2021. You’ll be supported by an intimate group of female leaders and fellow adventurers. Reach out to start a conversation.