Making Tiny Choices Each Day
With homage to a Cherokee legend of the black wolf and the white wolf
White wolf and dark wolf at The Wolf Heart Ranch in Southern California
We often think about big goals—to take the company public, to get a C-suite title, to keynote at the leading industry conference. These are important. They are big sweeping visions that shape the direction of our lives and careers. Yet equally important to these touchstone goals are the tiny choices we make every single day.
This past weekend I had the privilege of spending time with wolves at a spiritual retreat. My teacher had brought us to visit his non-profit organization—The Wolf Connection— focused on empowering at-risk youth and rescuing wolfdogs. Watching and feeling the energy of these majestic creatures helped me deeply experience of each minute in their presence. It helped to balance out both the big questions as well as stay in the moment and become aware of the tiny choices we make each day.
Which Wolf Will Win?
There’s a Native American legend, I believe that it’s Cherokee, which I’ve heard multiple times and am now retelling with creative license.
A grandmother is talking with her granddaughter. The conversation is happening outside under a blanket of stars by the light of a flickering campfire. The grandmother tells the girl: “There is a continual fight happening inside me. It is a fierce fight between two wolves. One is the black wolf. She is arrogance, shame, envy, perfectionism, and over-confidence. There is also a white wolf. She is joy, love, compassion, forgiveness, wonder, and humility. The two wolves continue to fight inside me. The same fight is happening inside you and within every single person.”
The girl listens thoughtful then asks her grandmother, “Which wolf will win?”
You may have heard a version of this story where the grandmother replies, “The one you feed.”
I’ve heard a different ending to the story. Perhaps it’s from the Cherokee world, perhaps it’s from my re-claiming or appropriation as I can’t find the source. Or perhaps it’s a dreaming up of my own answer.
The grandmother replies, “If you feed them right, they both win. If you only feed the white wolf, the black one goes into hiding. She is suppressed, pushed down, and ignored. She will jump up and bite to get the attention she deserves. But if you acknowledge the black wolf, she is happy. Both wolves can co-exist together. Both wolves are needed. Feeding and caring for both acknowledges that there doesn’t need to be a fight or an internal struggle for your attention. Without that exhausting battle it’s easier to listen to the voice of deeper knowing. It’s easier to make choices.”
Feed the Wolf with Tiny Choices Each Day
One mistake I often make is to think in terms of black or white. I’ll succeed in my goal of talking to 10 people each week or writing 1000 words each day. I’ll hit a big milestone of success when I reach a certain title or financial milestone. If I don’t achieve them within a certain expected timeframe, then I’ll have failed.
Our world doesn’t exist in black or white and these are false dichotomies. There are so many more nuances, shades of gray, and complexities in both the modern working world and in our lives. We live in ambiguous times when it’s not as simple as feeding the black wolf or the white wolf.
Instead, we feed both wolves. We will continue to have the self-critical voices, the fear, the frustration, and the irritation of living in a world where the cat throws up on your pants when you’re rushing out the door late for a crucial appointment. There will never be a perfectly enlightened state where this darkness completely goes away. Yes there’s times where this fear drives hustle, commitment, and the ability to push through and get shit done. And this fear can lead to success. Personally, it’s helped me for many decades of my life, leading me to a lucrative career in technology.
At the same time, we feed the white wolf by choosing joy, gratitude, and turning towards people around us. We keep making things and staying in flow each day.
The daily practice is staying aware of both the black wolf and the white wolf. Of noticing your patterns and making tiny choices each day that feed the different wolves:
Perhaps today is the day to choose rest and vegging out with Netflix
Or the day to step on that gas pedal and finally finish the report
Or simply to put on pants with buttons and leave the house for brief moment
Or to stop for a moment and smell that delicious coffee aroma and revel in the first warm sip
The big goals are truly important. And it’s also the tiny steps and choices you make every single day that keep you moving on and going forward.
Update: A reader shared with me how the story of the black wolf and the white wolf reinforces bias with the “black is bad, white is good” narrative. I 100% agree and also personally realized that it was something I failed to realize would be a trigger when sharing this story. We all have unconscious bias. I’m leaving this story up because I believe that all the shades of gray of emotion are needed and it’s our choice in each moment. I reject thinking in black and white.
Intentionally Observe the Wolves
We will make mistakes. Some days, it feels like we keep repeating the pattern of bad choices. We will feed one wolf and forget about the other. Or the two will wrestle for days as we feel stuck in unwinnable situations. This is the messyness of life. All you can do is observe the choices and notice which wolf has gotten more attention that minute, that hour, that day.
Then with no additional judgement or self-criticism, simply decide what the next choice will be. If it’s made with intention, consider that there might never be a wrong choice.
Bottom-Line
Being in the presence of these wild, free creatures reminds me that they live in the present. They are curious when they see humans enter their pen. But soon they get bored and wander away back to their napping or grooming. There is no past or future, only now. Taking inspiration from their energy helps to de-pressure the intensity and expectations of achieving long-term goals. Instead, it opens up space to make tiny choices each day.