Want to Dream Bigger? Start with Envy
Photo by Dietmar Becker on Unsplash
“What’s wrong with me?,” a client asked. He’d been toiling away at a management consulting job for many years but still hadn’t made partner. His friends, relatives, fellow alumni were all eminently successful — tech CEOs, non-profit Exec Directors, surgeons with their own practice, and tenured professors. It seemed like everyone else was doing well, while he was facing failure after failure.
We’re born into a society of comparisons. In school, we’re assigned letter grades to assess our performance. We’re broken into groups and assigned reading materials based on our level of skill. Everyone implicitly knows how they compare to everyone else. She’s funnier than I am. He’s more attractive than me. She’s got better taste than anyone else. He’s more social.
We apply to colleges that have an implicit ranking from Ivy Leagues to prestigious schools for specific programs to state schools to community colleges. There’s tiers of companies to work for, from world-class brand names to funded startups; from international to local reach; from mission-driven to advertising-driven; from high prestige to low prestige.
We all have envy. It’s a very human emotion and is born out of our wanting things that other people have. We want what’s commonly perceived of as “the best.” Yet many of us want to tamp down this emotion. We’re horrified at this ugliness in ourselves because we want to be happy for our best friend, for our boss, for our former colleague when they get wonderful opportunities in their lives. We beat ourselves up because we’re not supposed to feel envy. We’re supposed to be genuinely happy for the other person, otherwise we’re not a good friend, or not a good person. This is black and white binary thinking where there’s a right way and a wrong way. The reality is that we experience the whole range of emotions when we hear someone else’s good news. Think about the last time you heard about a good friend’s opportunity. Did it feel like this?
Initial envy. Why couldn’t that be me?
Happiness / support. Good for her, I’m happy she’s finally gotten what she’s wanted.
Rationalization / envy. But she’s always had it lucky. She gets all the breaks.
Self-judgement. What’s wrong with me? I should be happy for her. I am a good friend. I AM happy for her.
Support / recognition. She deserves it. She’s been working really hard.
Self-pity Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I be a bigger person and be happy?
Falling into this loop of negative emotions spirals us down into self-judgement and blame.
Instead, embrace the envy and use it as a path of self-knowledge to better understand your desires. Move away from picturing this absolute thinking of the dream job, the perfect romantic partner, or the fastest startup to reach textbook product/market fit. Know that the grass is always greener. Instead, explore the nuances as to why you’re feeling such a strong emotion . Let the envy be a signal that lets you dream bigger and be a breadcrumb to what you truly desire.
1. Re-set your context — there is no standard “dream job.”
We think that everyone else has the dream job, best boss, or perfect marriage. Yet all too often, in this culture of comparisons, wonderfully curated instagram posts, and practiced cocktail hour stories, people share a scrubbed, sanitized, and beautiful version of their life. They are sharing their “dream life,” one rose-tinted view of reality. Because it’ll take too much time to share all the details. Because it’s hard to be vulnerable and expose my giant mess of a life. Because we don’t want to be known as the Debbie Downer or the whiner who shares tales of woe.
This language, where we talk of a “dream job” sets up binary black or white thinking. No job is perfect. Every job has its good days and its bad ones. The coworkers may be fun and inspiring, but your boss doesn’t have your back. The company mission may be fulfilling and impactful, but the hours are long and demanding. You have full autonomy and budget from your boss, but you have resistant partners who don’t agree with your strategy. Every job has its ups and downs, so let’s drop the myth of the “dream job” or “perfect marriage.”
2. Find the kernel of insight within the envy
Feel into the envy and ask yourself, what’s triggering the feeling? Break it apart to see what desire you have hiding beneath the envy.
As you look deeper for insight, you might see things such as:
She just got a new job at a healthcare company. She gets the chance to work on meaningful problems. Hmm… I’ve always wanted to solve problems in healthcare or government…
He started teaching on-the-side. What a wonderful opportunity! I’d like to do that someday…
A friend just bought a new RV/boat/house/car. Hmm… maybe I want that too.
A family member just had a unique experience—vacation, new sport, new hobby… That sounds so cool, I’d like to do this as well.
My colleague got promoted over me. This feels super hard as I wanted that promotion… What skills, behaviors, actions has she been doing that I need to practice more of?
From these tinges of desire, there’s the opportunity to dig deeper and see what the root of the desire is and what’s been holding you back. It might be fear. You might not want it enough. But starting to ask yourself the questions helps to flame and fuel the desire.
3. Give yourself permission to dream
Often we don’t dare to dream. Or we fear that our dreams are too big. We’ve all been burned before. It’s a familiar feeling of making mistakes which makes us feel like a failure. It’s familiar because when you’re new at something, mistakes are entirely normal and always a part of the learning process.
What’s important is to accept that the mistakes are part of the process and not a sign that the dream was too big, that we’re not good enough to strive for it. Don’t let the failure and comparison—everyone else is better at X than me— stop you from dreaming. Instead, listen to the whisper of desire within your envy and use it to refocus to find your dream.
Bottom-Line
Envy is a familiar, and all-too-human feeling. It’s OK to feel envy. Instead of beating yourself up over it, dig deeper to find the kernel of insight within the envy. Stop to ask questions of yourself. Seek to understand why you feel so strongly. Build upon this desire and give yourself permission to dream bigger.