The Art of Receiving (Racial) Feedback
Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash
Given our collective focus on #BlackLivesMatter in the past month, like many of us, I’m on a life-long journey to re-examine my personal relationship with race. Most conversations I’ve had over the last three weeks have touched on the impact of race in our lives. I’m particularly deep into Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism and Layla Saad’s Me and White Supremacy. I’m fascinated by what we can do to change our own behavior as allies. One key to behavior change is how we receive feedback. While my inspiration has been learning about receiving racial feedback, these lessons go deeper and can be universally applied to all feedback.
1. Acknowledge the courage to give feedback
Consider the state of mind of someone who has summoned up the courage to give you meaningful feedback. It may be a peer review in performance review cycles. It may be a good friend who you’ve inadvertently offended. It may be a partner who you’ve tuned out because this feedback is so recurring. It may be someone on your team who wants a better working environment. In all cases, this person deeply values something about the relationship or your action has deeply touched something emotional within them. Acknowledge the courage and integrity that has sparked this person to take the active choice to give you feedback. 10x that acknowledgement if the person is in a lower power relationship to yourself whether that relationship is imbalanced by its very nature (e.g. teacher/student or manager/direct report) or for any of the following differences, actual or perceived:
socio-economic in wealth, experience, network
age
gender
race, with whiteness being commonly considered to be the norm (higher power)
When receiving the feedback, stop to consider that courage and summon up empathy and curiosity.
2. Focus on the content not the tone
Working in corporations, I’d always been told to watch the way that I say things— my tone, the expressions on my face, my body language, and my emotions. I’m aware that confidence and emotion that might be perceived as bold when a man says it, can come off as aggressive when a woman says it. We all have this implicit bias. While I’d been intimately affected and aware of the gender bias, unfortunately I’d paid much less attention to the stereotypes of the angry black man or woman, despite having black friends and devouring Michelle Obama’s Becoming.
What helps us fight these biases is to focus on the content, not the tone. The tone is based on our own implicit biases. Excerpts from Layla Saad’s Me and White Supremacy:
“Tone policing is a tactic used by those who have privilege to silence those who do not by focusing on the tone of what is being said rather than the action content.”
“A white person’s expression of anger is often seen as righteous, whereas a Black person’s anger is often seen as aggressive and dangerous.”
“Tone policing is both a request that BIPOC share our experiences about racism without sharing any of our (real) emotions about it and for us to exist in ways that do not make white people feel uncomfortable.”
When you receive any feedback, racial or otherwise, try to focus on the content not the tone. The giver of feedback is expressing their perspective in the way that’s they are best able to.
3. Listen to understand
It is hard to receive critical feedback. It’s natural and very human for us to get defensive, to feel that we’re being attacked for an honest mistake, or even worse that we’re being called a racist or white supremacist. Try to set aside those feelings and put on the calm, curious demeanor of a researcher or an anthropologist. Truly listen to what the other person is saying. If you ask questions, have them be from a place of curiosity so that you can better understand the feedback and context. Trust that the other person knows you have good intentions and is putting themselves on the line to give you this feedback.
DO NOT EXPLAIN YOURSELF. This can only come across as defensive in the moment. If you need to explain yourself, wait 24 hours then have a follow up conversation with the person.
It can also be hard to receive complimentary feedback. Compliments don’t sit well with us. We want to brush it over and dismiss it. How familiar are reactions like:
“Oh, I was just doing my job.”
“That? It was nothing.”
“You’re fabulous at X too!”
nervous laughter and changing the subject
With complimentary feedback, put on the same calm, curious demeanor. Ask questions if you don’t understand it or if it’s a surprise. Let the other person bask in the joy of giving feedback. Bask in the pleasure of the compliment. You’re worth it.
4. Give thanks
Robin DiAngelo in White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism shares two cardinal principles for how to receive racial feedback:
1. How, where, and when you give me feedback is irrelevant — it is the feedback I want and need. Understanding that it is hard to give, I will take it in any way I can get it. From my position of social, cultural, and institutional white power and privilege, I am perfectly safe and I can handle it. If I cannot hand it, it’s on me to build my racial stamina.
2. Thank you.
Feedback is a gift. Sometimes it’s a mantra I repeat over and over again to myself through gritted teeth. I truly believe it, and it’s also hard. There’s only one reaction that’s truly needed— say thank you.
5. Process and choose
Finally, as the receiver of feedback, later once you’re alone, you can process the feedback and choose the action you want to take. If feedback is a gift, you can choose if you want to:
Wear the gorgeous gift with pride
Stick it in the back of your closet to be forgotten
Re-gift it to someone else
Throw it in the dustbin
You don’t have to act on the feedback. Growth will come from taking the time to process, and actively choosing what you’re going to do. If you trust the feedback giver and the relationship, or if it happens to come from your boss, you’ll likely have to get back to them and let them know what you’re doing with the feedback. Remember, that it’s ultimately your choice.
Bottom-Line
Right now, it’s hard for me to disentangle any leadership or way of being from the conversations about race. My hope is that we can build better relationships and have deeper conversations by following these 5 steps to the art of receiving feedback.
If you’d like more, I’ve previously written The Art of Giving Feedback