How to Work with Difficult People... Start with Listening

We all have difficult people in our lives. It could be someone who reports to you, a coworker, a boss, or a family member. In the past, there have been angry words, silent resentments, passive resistance, and an overall feeling of difficulty associated with this person. You can let some difficult people go from your life— perhaps you’ve ended a friendship or moved on from a job to avoid the person. And then there’s difficult people who for whatever circumstances will remain in your life. For these people, the secret of accepting or tolerating them is deceptively simple, yet so hard to execute— the secret is to listen to them on three levels of listening.

Three Levels of Listening

Diving deeper into the secret, let’s set up the framework for three levels of listening¹.

Level 1: Internal Listening. While I am listening to the other person, I am listening to hear only the information that matters to me. Often this listening is so that I can prepare what to say next, whether it’s my response, my question, or to introduce something entirely different to the conversation. Level 1 listening often gets a bad reputation, yet it’s entirely appropriate for particular situations. For example, if you’re being interviewed on a podcast, if you’re a student getting direction from the instructor, or if you’re listening to the waiter describe the list of specials in order to choose what to eat for dinner.

“What does this mean to me?”

Level 2: Focused Listening. In this level of listening, there is a sharp focus on the other person. I am listening intently to their words but also to what thy are communication beyond words. Focus is on their expressions, emotions, body-language, tone of voice, and pauses in-between the words. I am trying to be a mirror to absorb, internalize and understand what the other person is trying to communicate.

“I have time to focus on you.”

Level 3: Global Listening. Level 3 brings in awareness of the environment around both you and me. It pays attention to the energy of the individuals and the energy created by our interactions. It’s easiest to feel Level 3 with a large group of people. Have you ever walked into the room right after two people have been fighting with each other? You could cut the tension with a knife. There is deep discomfort, both between the two opponents as well as for all the observers. Conversely at a live comedy show, you can feel the joint laugh-out-loud amusement or the shocked gasp of “Did he really say that?” or the boredom when the jokes fall flat. In a scenario of two people, global listening brings in what’s happening in the environment — perhaps a fire engine going by, a book that falls off the shelf, or a knock on the door. Global listening also brings in energy & intuition. The sense that the other person is feeling uncomfortable or on the edge of tears even through their words seem perfectly normal. The conversation will feel easier, as if you’re not trying or focusing so hard, but instead have a soft diffuse awareness of the relationship.

“I am opening my awareness to what’s going on with us, and what’s around us.”

Working with Difficult People

With that understanding of the three levels of listening, there are four techniques when working with difficult people in your lives.

1. Move from Level 1 listening to Level 2 listening

The most straightforward and also the most trite is to truly listen to them. This may not be an easy ask as many people are difficult to the point that giving them your time and energy puts a drain on you. This is particularly true if they have low EQ or self-awareness of how their words impact others. While this is not easy, trying to aim for Level 2 listening will help. Rather than think about your rebuttal to their wrong perspective and what you’re going to say next (Level 1), slow down and focus on what they’re really trying to communicate. Listen beyond the words to the true meaning, the value, and the emotion behind this topic and what they care so much about it. Pull in the detached curiosity of a cultural anthropologist to truly listen so that you can understand their point of view.

2. Listen for the 10% Truth²

However, with these difficult people, it can be really hard to entirely shift into Level 2 listening, especially when we are very invested in the topic ourselves. This person is also difficult because of the shared history, repeated offenses, and the passion we both have for our different positions on a common topic. However, consider that the difficult person might not be 100% utterly and completely wrong. Rather than fully committing to Level 2 listening, listen enough so that you can find the 10% truth to what the other person is saying. Don’t lie and pretend to agree with them. Instead find the 10% that you can agree with. Restate that 10%, “What I really like about what you said is…” and then build upon it using the “Yes, and…” game from improv. There’s no need to tell them that you’re playing this game— simply listen enough to find the 10% of what you agree with.

3. Open up your Level 1

You have history with this difficult person. You’ve already tried explaining your position many times and feel like you’re at an impasse. However, when you are speaking in the conversation, open up your Level 1 to be vulnerable and truly share what’s going on and what matters for you about this topic. It invites them in and shows your good intent and desire for partnership by going first and sharing.

4. Connect on Level 3

Level 3 listening is the intuition, the energy and the environment created between you and the difficult person in this moment in time. Consider stepping outside the focused disagreements of the topic and incorporating other unsaid, more intuitive connection. For example:

Create a ritual (once we’re out of shelter-in-place) such as grabbing coffee or taking a stroll together that changes up the environment and creates a shared bond.
Lean into our current remote videoconference state and connect with the difficult person by noticing the spouse, roommate, children, pet, or background behind them. This is the opportunity for an intimate peek into your difficult person’s environment. Find some commonality to connect with, or alternately offer up your cute puppy or a piece of artwork behind your desk that matters to you.
Acknowledge any commonalities (“We’re dressed as twins today!”) or differences between the two of you. What are the two of you co-creating or have in common? Perhaps it’s the shared leadership of a project or as points of contact for your respective disciplines. Acknowledge the “us-ness” between the two of you. For family, a simple acknowledgement of “I love you” (when that’s true) and “Isn’t it funny how we’re still living our childhood patterns?” may help.

Bottom-Line

We all have difficult people in our lives, who by necessity of job or family will continue to remain in our lives. To work better with these people, consider the three levels of listening and using the four techniques of 1. Move from Level 1 to Level 2 Listening, 2. Listen for the 10% Truth, 3. Open up your Level 1. and 4. Connect on Level 3.

¹The three levels of listening was first taught to me from the Co-active Institute, one of my coaching schools and in their accompanying book.

²Find the 10% truth is courtesy of Shirzad Chamine’s research, courses, and books.

This is a continuation of the Difficult People series. The entire series is: